One year.

Dear Hannah (or as I like to call you Nan girl),

I don't know if you know this or not, but your sweet momma has been writing you letters every month for the past year. They are oh so lovely and true and often bring a tear to my eye. So in honor of your first birthday I thought I would take a shot at writing you a letter myself.

I remember the first time that I saw you, you were a precious tiny bundle in a blanket with lots of hair and barely open eyes. You were so small I remember I was scared I was going to break you.

And now here you are, twelve months later, crawling everywhere, throwing everything out of the recycling bin, eating, and giggling, and making everyone around you mad with love. My what a difference a year makes.

The other night your mama and papa went out on the town for a bit and we got to spend some time together, just the two of us (well Toby too!) I fed you cottage cheese and carrots and later we played with just about every toy you have. And as the night drew to a close I gave you your bottle and you fell asleep in my arms-something you haven't done in many months. It was beautiful and lovely and made me realize what a joy and privilege it is to live in the same house with you. I ached with what a blessing it is being able to see you grow up.

Nan girl, you make me look forward to being a momma someday so much.
But for now, it is a miraculous thing to be your "Auntie."

I love you very much.
Happy Birthday!

catching up & thoughts on leaving.

It's been awhile since I've last posted. Sorry about that. Let me catch you up on a few things that have happened since I've written last.

I spent a week in Seattle during spring break and it was amazing! I love love love the Pacific Northwest and I loved all of the different organizations we were able to work with. Oh, and did I mention how much I loved the coffee?

I happened to turn 25 this past March-a whole 1/4 of a century old! I spent the day at school and YoungLife-complete with breakfast in bed, flowers, a giraffe card, and lots of cake options! I also spent the weekend celebrating with dear friends over a lovely mexican feast and ending the night in Downtown Holland to listen to one of my favorite bands.

Welp, I also managed to fall, break my arm, and have surgery. So there's that.

And in April I graduated from college! WOO HOO! I can't even explain how exciting, scary, wonderful this is. It's been a long road, but I did it! 

Then there's the fact that I told my friend Kelly that I would road trip to California with her-L.A. here we come!

While graduating has been a big accomplishment for me, it has also left me with a lot of free time on my hands. When Kelly mentioned that she needed someone to drive to Los Angeles with her I figured why not? I don't have a job right now. Plus, it seems like the perfect post college thing to do. And ever since Kelly and I met to plan out our adventure, I can't stop thinking about it. This idea of driving across the roads from here to California is seriously addicting to me. I've been pouring over maps, dreaming about the sound of the ocean and the feel of the sun on my skin. This idea of learning who you are in different places, meeting new people, seeing the land stretch out into the morning sun-oh how lovely it all sounds!

All these thoughts about the great unknown and leaving it all reminds me of one of my favorite books by Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts. I haven't picked the book up in awhile, mostly because I know that if I do, the adventurous/crazy voices in my head will get louder and louder; and for now they are loud enough.

So I will leave you with these words from the book and my friend Don. Something deep within me cries out whenever I read these words-every.single.time.

"And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone. God has established the elements, the setting and the climax and the resolution. It would be a crime not to venture out, wouldn’t it?

It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.

I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.

Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn’t it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be. And you will not be alone. You have never been alone. Don’t worry. Everything will still be here when you get back. It is you who will have changed."

thoughts on slowing down and not doing it all.

This past week has been a blur. I had 2 projects, 2 papers, 1 presentation and 2 exams, add to that extracurriculars every night of the week and trying to figure out the future; life got even busier faster and the future began to look even more daunting. I want to push the pause button and slow down for a bit. I want to spend more time doing the things I love.

I wrote the above sentences almost a week ago and have found myself not having the time nor the space to continue on with them. Ironic that I haven’t had time to write a blog post about making time for things we enjoy and things that are life giving? I don’t remember the last time I’ve had time to grab a good book, treat myself to a cup of tea and settle down at my favorite coffee shop for some much needed downtime. But alas, it is Friday and I have found myself doing just that. I made sure to take Bittersweet, by Shauna Niequist, with me because I knew that I wanted to read her chapter entitled Things I Don’t Do. As I read, I felt the sharp truth of her words resonate within me. Shauna writes:

“It’s not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What’s hard is figuring out what you’re willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about...one of my core fears is that someone would think I can’t handle as much as the next person. It’s fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list...this “do everything better” way of living brought me to a terrible place:tired, angry, brittle, afraid, hollow.”

So in the spirit of being honest about where I’m at and in hopes of encouraging you to take some time and evaluate the things you don’t do in your life, here is my list of things I don’t do.

I don’t wear make-up. Now, I like looking pretty and doing my make-up for special occasions, but my general everyday look is make-up free. I don’t want to spend my time in front of mirror wishing that I looked differently. This is who God made me to be and I’m learning more and more to not only believe in that statement but to take delight in it as well.

I don’t plan. okay, this is semi-true. There is a huge part of me that loves organization and post-it notes with to do lists and thinking that I’m in control. But the more I live, the more I realize how little I am actually in control of. It has been interesting to see this paradox unfold as I go through the process of getting ready to graduate and look toward what is ahead. I often find myself in a place of wanting to plan and control, but am coming to appreciate the ways in which life is full of mystery and surprise.

I don’t do my hair. I have been blessed with lots of thick hair and honestly I love it. I love that my hair is big and wavy and messy. It’s different and I’m okay with that. I don’t have an hour to spare straightening my hair, so I don’t.

I don’t make my bed. Yep, that’s right I said it. I don’t make my bed. I enjoy crawling out of bed every morning and cuddling with Toby on the couch or making some tea and reading the Bible or sometimes just sleeping in for an extra few minutes. I don’t have the time in the mornings to make my bed, so I don’t. I’ve thought about it many mornings, feeling guilty for not doing it (my G-Ma would shake her head at me if she knew), but I treasure my mornings and I like that way they are, so if that means I don’t have a perfect looking bed, then so be it.

I’m not a health nut. Don’t get me wrong I truly believe that eating food that is raised well, lacking in additives, cooked simply, and is made close to home is extremely important. I despise overly processed food, fast food, and really any food that has an ingredient list that would take 2 hours to read and dictionary to translate. But to be honest, I think that cake made with truly good ingredients is worth it. I love local restaurants, such at the Electric Cheetah, Brick Road Pizza Company, and Marie Catrib’s. I don’t think that eating well has to mean that you eat food that tastes like styrofoam. I think it means enjoying the food you eat and if it happens to be a little naughty once in a while then it’s okay.

It is crazy to think about how my life is growing and changing everyday around me. And I will have years where I get to explore and figure out all of the things I am and the things that I am not, the things I do and the things I don’t. I feel a true sense of anticipation at what I will, God willing, be in the years to come: a wife, a mother, an artist, an author. In all of these things that I know I’m not and in knowing what I don’t do, I know who I am and what I am called to do. I am called to love, serve, take joy, give and be a clear, beautiful, hopeful, beloved, and ever changing creation of Him who created me.

In the words of Shauna, “It’s brutal, making the list of things I don’t do...but I’ve discovered that the list sets me free...and that one day I’ll stand before God and account for what I did with my life. There is work that is only mine to do, stories that are mine to tell, friends that are mine to walk with.” Make time for those things in your life that are really and truly important and good and life giving and get rid of the rest. Life is short, we should all start enjoying more and enduring less.

what inspires.

I like to think of myself as a creative person, as one who finds inspiration in the everyday. I’ve been writing, painting, creating, and diving into different mediums over these past few weeks and I have come to realize something: inspiration is everywhere. As someone who thrives in the creative, I am learning to live into all of the places where that sacred life-giving force can be found, vibrating with beauty. I want to stop, recognize, name, thank and listen more.

Sometimes it is something seemingly mundane and common. A few weeks ago I found myself on a lovely run around my neighborhood and was literally lost in the beauty at the sight of the sun shining onto the snow, the way it danced in the sunlight was breathtaking.

Sometimes it’s something that causes me to stop, to pause, and reflect. These past few days it’s been these two songs: Second Chance by The Rend Collective and Canaan Bound by Andrew Peterson. Both are hauntingly beautiful and have stayed with me for days as of late.

I am more moved by these things and more than I can say. From the sounds of laughter of dear friends around my kitchen table to the conviction and hope I find as I read through Acts in the morning over a warm cup of tea, as I find my inspiration, I also find God in these places. Nothing overly theological or anything; just in spaces of love, of quiet, and kindness. In the moments of realizing that we are all just people trying to walk this road together. We are all connected to the same life-giving force, the creative thread that binds us all together.

What inspires and makes you move?

unknown.

I'm not sure about you, but this semester is kicking my behind. Maybe it's because it's my last semester of school, maybe because I have waited until the end to take all of the classes I didn't want to take [cough, math, cough] or maybe it's because I have no idea what comes next and frankly that scares me.

But for all that is unknown, I serve a God who knows all.

I know:

[That I am loved and cared for, first by God, and then by those He has given me to remind me that I am worthy of love and care.]

[He has a plan. A good one. And it will be reveal in His timing.]

[God has instilled in me certain passions for a reason and He will put me in positions in which I can use them for His glory.]

[God is not going to give up on me]

[He is using everything that I am going through right now for good and He is preparing me for works ahead.]

For now, a lack of answers seems to be the answer. At some point I just need to face the unknown or risk living a life in constant fear of it. In standing on what I know, I see ever more clearly who is really in charge, because let's be honest, only He can come up with the most beautiful and wonderful plan for my life and for today, that is enough.

a reminder and a call to take a stand.

As I spent time this past week at Passion 2012, God spoke to me like never before. Last year God showed me many new thoughts and ideas for my life. But this year was different, this year God asked me to remember. He reminded me about all of things He has done in my life, gently nudged me to recall who He says I am and what I am capable of doing through Him, and He renewed my love and passion for His word. This year Passion was all about being reminded of just how great our God is and how much He loves me.

God also did something else to me during my time in Atlanta. He shattered my complacency and indifference by revealing to me the tragic reality of modern day slavery. Right now there are 27 million people in slavery. That is more than at any other point in time in the history of the world. Men, women, and children all forced into slavery all over the world. Even right here is the U.S. Now I've heard this before, but I wasn't exactly moved into action. I mean it all seemed so far away, like it couldn't possibly be real. And yet, there I stood along with 46,000 other college students and was shown that slavery still does exist, that it is real.

It's easy for slavery to feel so far removed from our lives, we don't see it everyday, we don't live it every moment. But it is happening and we have to know. When we choose to live in ignorance and lack of concern, we then become part of the problem. Our indifference is not an excuse to sit idly by and do nothing. Sometimes, we must let things shock and upset us and move us into action.

Over the last week many of us were called into action to DO SOMETHING NOW to take and stand and say that this is not ok. Over 4 days poor college students gave over $2.5 million to bring freedom, prevention, and restoration to those in slavery. God is good people and He is alive and moving within college students. I've said it before and I will say it again: don't count this generation out! God is doing great things in the lives of college students, I cannot wait to see what He has in store for us!

Now that we know, no longer will we be silent, no longer will we be indifferent. In The Message version of Matthew 16, Jesus says that "the church will be so expansive with energy that not even the gates of hell will be able to keep it out." It is our responsibility to fight this hell on earth because we are promised victory. We cannot stay silent. We must fight, it might not be easy and it might not be on our timetable, but we are promised hope. Without the hope of Jesus Christ, I think all of this would be too much for my heart to bear.

So now that you know, what will you do? Cry out alongside me, the world is starting to listen!

when life is hard.

There are times in life when grief arrives and we are given a choice: consume or be consumed. Take in the pain and the hurt and allow it to create in us more space for community, for understanding, for grace, for love; or allow it to swallow us whole. Sometimes, it seems to be a tricky balance between the two. Sometimes, it’s a climbing out of one and into another.

Loss is never easy and I won’t go into details here, but in feeling grief, the best thing I can think to do is to celebrate the things in life that are good; like the really, really, really good things. Because we’re all counting off days here on earth, young or old, healthy or sick; we all have a numbered amount of breaths left to take, moments to laugh, meals to eat, songs to listen to, and times to tell those around us how much they mean to us. So even in loss, I am finding little ways to celebrate because I never want it to be “too late”.

I will curl up with a good book and a cup of tea under the twinkle of Christmas lights.

I will enjoy breakfast at my favorite restaurant with dear friends.

I will cuddle up with the cutest pup and watch old holiday movies.

I will spend more time with those I love and cherish every moment of it.

I will be still and be amazed as much as possible. The wonder of this world is endless and it’s time I start paying attention to it.

I will be grateful that I get to be a part of so many different kinds of families this holiday season, thankful for the blessings that they all are in my life.

I will make little Hannah laugh as much as I can, because the sound of her laughter reminds me that this life is a pretty great thing.

“I believe that suffering is part of the narrative, and that nothing really good gets built when everything's easy. I believe that loss and emptiness and confusion often give way to new fullness and wisdom.” -Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet